Why I’ve Been Missing

Hi. It’s Liz.

Let me cut to the chase, I’ve been going through dark times and striving to hold on to the Light. That’s the main idea. If you’re an avid reader, as most of us are, I’d appreciate if you’d read on.

To be honest, I never really imagined that people would miss my blog posts. I’ve missed everyone.

I’ve posted on this blog fairly consistently in the early months of this year, and somehow found myself slowly fading away. It was heartbreaking for me, since I’ve loved this blog like a baby as I experienced the warmth and joy of being part of an amazing community of brilliant bloggers here. Each one has inspired me as I read more about the different lives and journeys people go through.

I like to consider us all daily warriors, a family. So I want to let you know where I’ve been and where I am now.

I hit a wall. I was in a maze of paradoxes about life and existence. My mind was a wreck. I had running thoughts and I couldn’t grasp them. I couldn’t focus. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t write. I could barely even express myself in my own personal journal.

I was a mess. I had to give every ounce of effort I had left to somehow get by and do my job for a few hours. Living independently, I needed to survive. For the rest of the time, I spent them trying to calm down and relax.

I tried to deal with it all myself.

I retreated to the safety of my own bed every time I feel like I can’t function or deal with other people as the happy, positive person they know me to be. Some of us get so good at hiding behind our smiles that other people have no idea what we’re going through at all.

Depression and anxiety attacked me day in and day out. The spirit of death followed me around, no matter how hard I tried to remove its grip on me. I didn’t recognize who was looking back at me on my mirror. Reality became vague as nightmares and sleep paralysis became more frequent. How could I sleep when my dreams tormented me? How could I stay awake when I was exhausted all the time? I fall asleep from fatigue, not knowing if I would wake up the next day. Nor if I still wanted to.

I was falling, no, drowning… Grasping for air… Flailing my arms desperately trying to hold on to something.

And it is only by God’s grace that I am saved. He is the only One I can cling to, and trust to hold me at my weakest and darkest times. In getting lost within myself, I forgot the most important thing.

God is always with me. As soon as I held on to Him, I slowly got back on my feet. The negative thoughts are gradually being replaced with wonderful promises for an amazing future.

I know that we have different beliefs and worldviews, and I respect that. I hope you can allow me to share just how real and how amazing God’s love is. Truth is verifiable and observable. To me, He is the truth… the only constant thing in my life. I couldn’t have lasted this long without His presence and guidance. His power is ultimately greater than any challenge that comes along. It takes a choice to live closely walking with Him moment by moment, so we will not lose our way.

I know that some situations call for professional help and medication, but there’s nothing that compares to the peace that surpasses all understanding when I am caught in the embrace of God’s love. He is my Healer and my Counselor.

I’m a huge work in progress, but I know that I have a God who will never leave me. My hope is in Him, and my purpose in life is to share His love to the world.

I got caught up with so many things in this life, that I lost sight of this. I am definitely weak and have so much more to deal with, but I can rest knowing that God is on my side.

I tend to shy away when my thoughts have become too dark, but I also want to share this journey with you.

There’s a danger in shutting ourselves in and showing a facade of strength. The lion preys on the weakest link, the lone calf that strays away from the others. In the same way, the enemy attacks us when we are alone and most vulnerable.

So let us always share who we are and what we are going through to the ones who care and love us. Don’t carry the burden alone. 

I hope you know that God loves you and He will always want you to be in His presence. Yet in our freedom of choice, we can walk away from him. Sometimes, we just need to acknowledge that we are weak in our own strength and run back to Him. And He will always welcome us with open arms, enveloped in his pure love.

Here I am, telling you that I’ve been lost.

And now I’m found in the love of the LORD, my Savior.